Round 1, Day 7-8 and Halloween fun!

Thank you all for your encouragement, cards, prayers. Thank you also for the kind comments about the new hair. We'll see how long it lasts before it falls out. For those interested in donating hair yourself, you don't need a special event or special hairstylist to do it - you just need at least 8 inches of hair. Just follow the instructions here: How Do I Donate Hair

But if you want the name and contact info of Anita, she is very good and I'll happily pass on her digits.

So, what they say about Day 7-14 being your most tired seems to ring true for me. I've been so exhausted. Waking up with a relatively good night's rest, I have enough energy to last about an hour or two before I feel completely drained and am literally crawling into bed. Then it's a matter of sleeping for a few hours to get maybe another 30-40 minutes of energy. I feel like an old ineffective rechargeable battery.

Knowing this, I've been trying to nap during the day so I have enough energy to be semi-conscious and present for the little guy. I love hearing him call my name when he comes in from school and hearing about his day.

And today being Halloween, I consciously tried to rest through all the phone calls (especially from BCCA*) so I could shore up enough energy to help Noley dress up and see him take in the Halloween fun with friends.

Thank you Chans for hosting yet another awesome Halloween. You've got star hosting power to congregate all those ninjas, pirates, sesame street characters, gnomes and superheroes and to attract your own fireworks show ;)

Mister finally decided what he wanted to be

Fuzzy phone photo of the assortment of characters

Miss Em gleefully digging into her treasure

Minnie and PJ Pirate before bed

I love my little mischievous mustachioed boy

*BCCA got their wires crossed between departments and dropped the ball on getting my day 9 & 16 treatments booked until I started calling them daily to hound them for a time. Thankfully it's all figured out now.

There's a lot you can't control in life...

Pre-cut

But choosing when to donate your hair is one of the few things you can.

Ready to donate our locks!

With Anita, master of shears

Thanks to my beautiful friend Isabel for joining me in donating 8+ inches to the Hair Donation Program benefiting BC Cancer patients. And thanks to hairstylist extraordinaire Anita Lee for helping us look stylish while doing it.

My sweet boy...

He practiced up so he could read his first full book to me all by himself today at bedtime. I love my little monkey.

Round 1, Day 5

My last in-patient treatment today and then I get to go home. Thankful the IV line made it to today without need of another poke. Alleluia. Then a few days rest before next treatment.

Mister Noley is still trying to decide what to be for Halloween - so far there's been pirate, captain America, Spider-Man, ironman, wolf... And now with all the med staff he's seen, he's thinking maybe even a nurse or doctor.

Blessing and Inspiration

Thoughtful and encouraging gift from the So's

Cliff & Libby, and the little munchkins E & T just came by for a visit. Despite their own ongoing battle with cancer, Libby, being the amazing Proverbs 31 woman, was still able to make this beautiful reminder, along with a heat/cold pack for the aches. Thank you, So family, for being an inspiration and encouragement.

And from our friend Gil, a cancer survivor with his wife June:

"Rest up. The fight is coming to you and we want you to kick this cancer in the crotch. Hard." :)

Thank You Lord for Your goodness and the support of friends.

Round 1, Day 4

Another beautiful fall day.

Energy levels are definitely decreasing. I am thankful the anti-nausea medication work so well. If the main ill-effect I'm dealing with is fatigue, I'm thankful.

My regimen consists of IV chemo days 1-5, day 9, and day 16, with the days in between for my body to recover a bit. Thankful that my IV line is holding up - here's hoping it holds up one more day so I don't have to get poked again before the day 9 treatment.

Bright sunshiney goodness from Grace

Delicate and beautiful orchids from Isabel

Round 1, Day 3

Sunny day again with beautiful view out the window. Company during the chemo with relatives, friends and lots of yummy food.

Appetite is going down a bit and energy levels are decreasing, but managed to still stuff in some Shanghainese sticky rice roll, fruit, Vietnamese noodles and spring roll and good conversation with loved ones. And of course hubby is perfecting the juicing with the fancy juicer courtesy of mom.

One of the first verses Jer and I memorized together when we learned I would have to receive chemotherapy:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NIV)

Ok, time to sleep... Thanks everyone for the encouraging words and the love and prayers showered upon us.

Thankful - mercies both big and small

A surprise sunny bouquet of flowers sent with love from Saskatchewan!

The title of this blog - my cup brims with blessing - is a verse I've been ruminating on lately. Things haven't been going the way we hoped, yet I've been so mindful of how blessed we are.

This fight against cancer is not a walk in the park. And I am certainly not a glutton for punishment - I hate the needles and the idea of receiving chemo. I still mourn not being able to have another child.

However, despite the scary and uncertain times, and the less than ideal news we've had to weather through this past little while, I have to say I can't help but be thankful.

Some things I've been so thankful for lately:

• Our amazing community both near and far - even before these challenging times began, Jer and I were marvelling at how blessed we were with the good friends from church, neighbourhood, school and work, as well as our awesome relatives. I believe that God, knowing my fears and anxieties about not being able to function or take care of my family as I would like to, has overwhelmed me with the support rallying around us. And boy have we felt the love:
• Praying for us - we have felt the tangible power of these prayers as they have uplifted our spirits, calmed us and opened our eyes to all the small mercies
• Cooking for us - within less than 12 hours of our friend putting together a meal schedule for the next month, every slot was taken up with many waiting for the next schedule!
• Covering my work responsibilities and alleviating financial worries
• Caring for Nolan, driving him to and back from school and activities, playdates
• Thoughtful flowers, goodies, and cozy items to make chemo treatments more palatable
• Dropping off groceries and offers for weekly grocery runs (though with all the daily meals, we won't need much)
• Driving me to and/or sitting with me during chemo treatments
• The many encouraging, lovely messages, emails, cards - I apologize for not having the energy to respond to each of them, but know they are appreciated
• Unique and creative offers of help - spending the first night in the hospital with me, helping with planning of Nolan's birthday party, helping decorate for Christmas (as I love me my Christmas - the sooner the better), helping me buy and pick up Christmas presents, dog walking, etc.
• Small mercies:
• Private hospital room with a view!
• That the student nurse freaking me out with her "I haven't made anyone scream yet" spiel was sent somewhere far away from me before she had a chance to poke me for a blood test  (thank you Lord!)
• My great, on-the-ball, compassionate doctors and nurses
• While we felt peace about going to fertility treatment and going through the IVF process once, we have had a rough go of it and were devastated by the many miscarriages we've suffered over the years. Yet, our fertility experience allowed for 2 years of images and close monitoring of my ovarian cysts, which in turn led to very quick, decisive treatment at an early stage of the cancer. Left to my own devices, this aggressive malignant tumour would have run rampant and the prognosis would have been very poor.
• As awful as it sounds, that God allowed this latest miscarriage, sparing me from the difficult choice between saving the much-desired babies and treating the cancer
• Family flying in to care for me with household chores, cooking and lots of juice
• The amazing friends who have encouraged me with their tips, real talk about the ups and downs, and faith-filled battles against cancer - read Gil's blog and Clibby's blog to be inspired.
• My wonderful rock of a husband, my sweet sweet boy, and my devoted canine daughter who hasn't let me out of her sight since I came home tonight on an overnight pass from the hospital.

Round 1, Day 2

Another good day. If all days were like this, chemo would be a breeze. No nausea, no vomiting - these anti-nausea drugs are awesome. A little metallic taste in the back of my throat and mild discomfort and aches, but otherwise, feeling pretty good.

Alas, I know that this being the first round is as good as it will get - as the healthy cells get killed with the cancerous ones, and as my white blood cell levels are affected and rebound less quickly, I will get very tired and affected.

But I will rejoice over the good days right now. I am thankful that nurse Marcie was able to save me from having another IV line started ("I know I just met you, but I love you - you just made my day"). I'm thankful that Marcie was able to conjure up an extended day pass after my treatment was done so i could go home and put Noley to bed today. She also maneuvered it so I could extend into an overnight pass without losing my bed! So I get to sleep at home tonight.

Round 1, Day 1

Lovely view from my room at the BCCA

Of the many small mercies God has blessed me with, a private room with a beautiful view of downtown and the mountains is icing on the cake. Normally private rooms are reserved for those requiring isolation but our nurse Val thought it would be a nice beginning of the first round for us. Thank you Lord.

A little mishap with the IV meant I ended up poked twice. Apparently I am so tense about those darn needles that eventually they had to give me some Ativan to calm me down.

The good news is that once the IV is in and my arm gets used to the sting of having the IV needle in my arm, the fluids flowing in don't cause immediate reaction. We'll see how my body feels in the next few days.

A bit of bad news - Dr. Tinker & Dr. Xing just came by to tell me about the results of today's blood test - the AFP markers have jumped up to 1100, putting us into the 4 cycles of chemo range. Not what we were hoping for as the risks for the chemo drugs increase as your exposure increases.

Yet I do get a beautiful view. And thanks to the faithful prayers of our friends and family, the beautiful ladies who uplifted our family in prayers last night, along with our friends Abe & Soo who sat with me during the first chemo treatment (when it was delayed and Jer had to pick up Nolan), we had a pretty good day.  And now Soo and I get our first slumber party ever in the hospital :)

T-minus 1 day

Jer & Nolan at the Water Lily Pond in Balboa Park

It's been almost a decade since I last blogged. As I've been processing through the unreal past two months, it makes sense to start a temporary blog to keep all family and friends interested up to date. Especially with my limited energy recently, it's been a struggle to keep in touch with everyone important to us to the level we would like.

A "brief" recap of the past 2 months*:

• August 19 - An ultrasound confirms that we miscarried twins - our 2nd miscarriage this year. We are heart-broken.
• The ultrasound also confirms there is a large benign dermoid cyst in my left ovary, 5 cm in diametre. Dr. Roberts wants to remove it before it causes complications. Thankfully a surgery slot opens up on September 11.
• I start feeling a lot of pressure in my abdomenal area. About 1-2 weeks before the surgery, I can actually feel a lump in my left side while lying down.
• September 11 - What is supposed to be a brief 45-60 minute minor bilateral ovarian laparoscopy (small incisions for a scope to go in, locate and remove the dermoid cysts) ends up turning into a 3.5 hour major laparotomy (a large c-section-like incision). Dr. Roberts discovers the 5 cm cyst has doubled in size to become a 10 cm cyst - about the size of a pomelo. He removes the cyst, along with my left ovary and fallopian tube, which is pretty much engulfed in the cyst. They send the mass off to Pathology but their first impression is that, while abnormal, it isn't cancerous since the surrounding area looks normal.
• September 18 - Pathology results show 40% of the mass is malignant - a yolk sac (aka endodermal sinus) tumour, encased by a benign teratoma, classified under the germ cell tumour group of cancers. The good news is that this type of cancer is very responsive to chemotherapy and has a very high cure rate. Apparently only 5% of ovarian cancers are of the germ cell tumor type. Without sign of spread, it appears we have caught it early and have removed all of the malignant parts. We are referred to BC Cancer Agency (BCCA) for further monitoring and treatment. Dr. Roberts' guess is that BCCA will suggest a "monitor closely and see" approach and skip out on chemotherapy. However, nothing is confirmed and we wait for the follow up appointment to find out more details.
• October 4 - Our first follow up appointment at BCCA with Dr. Tinker and Dr. Jutzi. They spend a lot of time talking about the three drugs in the chemotherapy regimen and their associated risks. I.e. One increases your risk of inflammation in the lung, which can turn into fibroids, which are fatal. Another increases your risk of leukemia later. The third makes you really nauseated and sick. And of course the hair loss. 1st blood test taken to measure alphafetoprotein (AFP), the main cancer marker.
• October 8 - My first CT scan - I am terrified, praying and reciting Psalm 23 with my eyes squeezed tightly the whole time.
• October 10 - My second follow up at BCCA and another AFP blood test. The CT scan was clear but 1st blood test was not - it showed an AFP level of 300. We find out the usual and recommended protocol, regardless of whether scans and tests are clear, is to receive 2 rounds of chemo just in case since the abdominal cavity is large and cancerous cells could travel around without immediate notice. They want to start right away. Meaning we would have to cancel our long-planned San Diego trip from October 18-26.  Seeing how uncomfortable we are with receiving chemotherapy unnecessarily, Dr. Tinker says if the 2nd blood test shows the levels are going down and we don't plan on trying for children in the next 2 years and we are aware of the risks, she is ok with a "wait and see" approach instead of pre-emptively giving chemo. It all depends on the results of the 2nd blood test.
• The thought of cancelling our trip to Legoland is really upsetting for me; I try to convince Jer to take Nolan on his own if I have to stay behind for chemo. I don't want Nolan to have to trade Legoland for mama on chemo. Jer obviously isn't thrilled with my idea.
• October 11 - After an anxious day-long wait for the results, they come through in the 11th hour, right before the long weekend and show the AFP levels have decreased to 210. We are overjoyed that we can go on our trip after all. 
• October 17 - 3rd blood test and 3rd follow up to check out some pain in my lower right abdomen. Dr. Tinker figures it is leftover pain from the surgery.
• October 18 - 3rd blood test results shows that the levels have spiked up to 403. Dr. Tinker strongly encourages us to cut our trip short so I can start chemotherapy. Due to the AFP spike, we were now bumped up to three 21-day cycles of chemo.
• We are devastated as chemotherapy effectively kills all chances of us giving birth to another child.
• October 19 - Our first round of chemo is scheduled to take place Thursday, October 24. Due to the delayed start in the middle of the week, I will have to be admitted into BCCA and stay in the hospital for the first 5 days.

So, all this brings us to one day before the start of my first chemotherapy cycle. I think back to seeing my dad go through this 20+ years ago and it makes me really miss him. And it reminds me of what an indelible mark it made on my mom, my brother and myself. I distinctly remember life before and life after we found out my dad had cancer. I remember having to grow up very fast.

Jer and I just sat Nolan down right now to prepare him for the next couple of months as we wait for our flight back to Seattle. Thankfully it doesn't seem to fully register or bother him yet. I pray that Nolan won't have nightmares about this or be scarred. I pray that when he looks back on this (if he remembers anything at all), he'll clearly see God's continued goodness to us even when things are a bit dark and scary.

I am deathly afraid of needles. The past two years have been quite brutal on the needle front. We are anxious. We are sad about not being able to have more children. Yet we also know that our Father who loves us so much more than humanly imaginable holds us in His hands and will carry us through this challenging time.

What do we do on beautiful Coronado Beach? Battle with our new foam Lego swords and shields of course!

Legoland Pumpkin

Nolan getting a little taste of driving at age 5

*Though other significant events happened within a week's span of our miscarriage, such as other family deaths and stresses, I won't be delving into them here as there just isn't enough mental space to juggle all the drama...