Celebrating!

This week has been a week of letting go of some of the innate tension one feels after a cancer diagnosis. We are so happy about the clear first round of tests.

In the back of my brain, I know there are many more appointments with specialists, possible surgery and lots of tests over the next 5 years, which will all be slightly anxiety-inducing.

But this week has been about me trying to put those back-of-my-mind future hurdles out and celebrating all the hurdles overcome already.

We just came back from a lovely gathering of friends (the Yeungs, Chans, Wallaces, Watsons, Duifhuises, and many others who were there in spirit with us) celebrating my being cancer-free. Gil, June & Rhys, generously hosted us and invited the mayhem of a 12 kids (and their parents) into their home. They have been an amazing cancer-butt-kicking family and have been instrumental in walking us through the scary parts and showing us how to face it with faith, humour and grace.

Earlier this week, my awesome neighbor Vicky brought by a treat of fresh young coconut juice and handmade lei (!!!) in celebration of our upcoming Hawaiian trip and all it represents. Grace blessed me with a fragrant and beautiful bouquet of roses.

And with my energy returning, I've been cooking up a storm. Risotto, beef noodle soup, banana bread, lemon chiffon cake, red bean soup, dumplings, etc. I'm being more mindful of foods I need to cut down or foods I need to be more mindful of including in order to decrease the chances of cancer returning.

Roses, coconut drink and handmade lei from friends

Noley in his delirium after a fun night at the Yeungs

Praise God - Hawaii, here we come!

From the title of this post, you can probably guess what news our oncologist Dr. Tinker had for us today :) The Cole's Notes version of the update for those who don't want to be bogged down by medical jargon… the scans and tests show the chemo regimen was successful in fighting the ovarian cancer. We will now be monitored for the next 5 years to make sure the cancer does not return. Hallelujah!

Thank you, all of you for your continued prayers, support and love!

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Now for the long version update…
The results of the blood test, CT scan and chest x-ray yielded good news - it appears there has been no spread and the cancerous nodules spotted before have been taken care of. While the first radiologist examining October's CT scan had come up with clear results (thank God the blood test was such a sensitive indicator of what was actually going on), we found out today that he had completely missed some cancerous nodules and incorrectly identified others as scar tissue from my surgery in September. Thankfully the radiologist from today noticed a lot of the things the first one had missed. I guess hindsight is 20/20 though. There are some residual scars from the shrunken and dead tumours which Dr. Tinker expects will slowly be cleared away by the body.

One point of concern that I am trying my best not to worry about: I may still need another surgery. Over the last 2-3 years, ultrasounds had shown a 2 cm teratoma in my right ovary (the one I still have left) which had remained stable in size, leading Dr. Roberts to identify it as benign. And having removed my left ovary, Dr. Roberts was concerned that if he tried to remove the teratoma in the right ovary, he would irreparably damage my one remaining ovary. As the ovarian cancer started with a  teratoma in the left ovary which mutated into a malignant tumour, Dr. Tinker is concerned we could have a repeat case of ovarian cancer if we don't surgically remove the teratoma in the right ovary as well. We will need to meet with the surgeons at BC Cancer Agency to go over the risks and options. There is a possibility we can just monitor the ovary via ultrasounds, which is what I'm hoping for as my body needs a break.

Recurrence is highest in the first two years, therefore monitoring will consist of blood tests every 3 months and another 1-2 CT scans for the first year, and slightly less intense monitoring for the second year. After that, the blood tests and CT scans will be less frequent.

Numb and swollen fingers make brushing teeth, opening jars and anything requiring dexterity a bit difficult. Other residual side effects include discoloured skin (the back of my head looks ridiculously speckled). The creaky, sore, achey joints belonging to an 80-year-old, along with the less frequent hot flashes are due to the temporary menopausal symptoms. Ideally within a few months, my ovary will recover and the hormones can get things back to normal.

And, fine little baby hairs are starting to sprout on my head again :) Not enough to see in a picture, but noticeable in person. Yay!!

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Now that we know we can go to Hawaii for sure, I'm finally allowing myself to get more excited about it! Little Mr. N has been excited about it for weeks and had already started packing for it the last few days. What does a 6-year-old consider essential for Hawaii?

• his portable Battleship game
• Shoo (his stuffed monkey)
• an assortment of Lego minifigs
• a fleece hoodie from his uncle

Picking N up from school today, I told him that the medicine had worked and made the cancer go away. His first question - "Will your hair start to grow back now? It's been so long since I've seen your hair!"

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Finally, a passage from my devotions this morning (before the appointment with Dr. Tinker) which helped quiet my soul. God is so good:

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them. (Psalms 40:1-5 NLT)

"Real love truthfully sees the flaws - and still really loves fully

Jer and I will not be having a hot romantic date tonight :) We'll be with dear friends, all our kids in tow.

But that is perfect. I feel like these past few months have really reminded me of what an amazing husband I've married. It has opened my eyes to how the romance and true love is in the everyday. It's a given that if he can, he will drive me to and back from appointments and be my support, my shoulder to cry on or the one to get me out of my head with some light-hearted joking. In my weakest moments, Jer has been my rock, taking on the lion's share of work. He does everything without complaining. He never makes me feel bad for the totally inequal distribution of responsibility and stress. In fact, he has gotten most stressed when I try to pitch in around the house and end up tiring myself out. Through thick and thin, sickness and health, easy-to-care-for child or tear-my-hair-out child, my husband's steadiness reminds me again and again how blessed I am.

Ann Voskamp writes beautifully and elegantly in her most recent post:

"The real romantics know that stretchmarks are beauty marks, and that different shaped women fit into the different shapes of men souls, and that real romance is really sacrifice.

... And I have loved you as the hero-of-few-words who has rescued me day in and day out, without any fanfare or flash.

... You have lived and bore the weight of it —- I am far worse than I ever dreamed. And yet you have loved me beyond what I could ever dream. You have lived Gospel to me."

Thank you, my beloved. You bear the full brunt of all the good and bad in me and you love unreservedly.

~~~~~

Update - my CT scan & chest x-Ray went smoothly today. Results on Monday...

I was reading an article in the Atlantic about young cancer patients. I can see some of this right now in my everyday processing. I count myself fortunate in my faith and community which strengthens me beyond what words can properly express. But the fear or recurrence? That is something that is always in the back of my mind. 

Anxiety and being still...

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14 NIV)

When the Israelites saw the Egyptian army pursuing them to the edge of the Red Sea, they were understandably anxious. Panicked. They started blaming Moses, moaning about the "what-ifs" and reminiscing about slavery with a rosy glow. Moses uttered these words of comfort and faith above, and God yet again showed himself faithful to his people. Not because they were awesome and saintly and pious. Purely because of his love.

These past few weeks, I've really been enjoying the respite from chemo treatments. It's great to know my body is starting to recover instead of being beat down by the drugs. It's been so nice not being poked by various needles several times a week.

In the last week, we braved the crowds and took in the Chinese New Year parade in Chinatown (50,000+ people!). We watched the Lego movie (very good - though Jer and I were both tired and took turns falling asleep). And we had lots and lots of rest time.

This week marks the first week of monitoring in the 2-5 years monitoring required. Yesterday was the blood test. Friday is the CT scan. And I am anxious. What if the levels aren't where they need to be? What if the cancer starts coming back? What if the CT scan shows something else we need to fight? Talking to my friend Gil this weekend, even after 3 years clear, there's still a bit of anxiety before each blood test. His friend who has been clear 20 years still gets a bit antsy, worrying that the cancer will come back.

The good news is the ehealth site shows partial results from the blood tests and the tumour marker is within the normal range finally. Under 8.4 is considered normal and I'm at 6.1. I'd feel better if it was zero, but Jer says that's not how those levels go :) My white blood cells are back to normal meaning my immune system has recovered. Some other aspects of my blood are still a bit off but hopefully will go back to normal pretty soon.

I am still more tired, less energetic and feeling worn down if I try to pack too much into a day. My joints are all a bit painful - when I get up from sitting, I feel like I'm 80 years old the way I creak around. Numbness in fingers hasn't gone away yet.

However, each day I am so thankful for life. I thank God for continuing to carry us through. And I thank God that even when I'm anxious and panicked, He fights for us and watches over us. I need just continue being still.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14 NIV)