Round 2, Day 10 - His mercies are new every morning

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. (Lamentations 3:22, 23 NLT)

Very poor sleep (about 3 hours on and off) last night due to chemo rash on head and a side effect of the hydrocortisone portion of my chemo treatment yesterday. This particular component is supposed to protect my lungs from the ill effects of the chemo drug bleomycin. Bad sleep for a night versus fatal lung condition? No brainier :)

Poor Jer though - I must have kept him up half the night with my tossing and turning.

Despite the bad sleep, God's mercies are new every morning. And a surprise beautiful care package all the way from Indiana from our dear friends, the Cochrans were part of today's mercies and reminder of God's faithfulness and care for us.

We miss you so much Cochran family!!

Round 2, Day 8-9

Day 8 went relatively well. I still get tired easily and need at least one substantial nap to get through the day, but my energy levels are starting to recover. Had a nice visit with my cousin, grandma and a friend. Thanks Pam for the flowers, super smoothie and goodies!

We also got a lovely surprise early birthday gift for Nolan delivered - an old school bricks and imagination only lego set. He was so excited to show me his creations this morning. Thank you Wu's!!

With my spurt of energy this morning, we had a nice Mom and Daughter morning, complete with french pastries and some shopping.

Today's day 9 treatment started off a bit rough. I was a bit groggy from my nap and forgot to take my Ativan which resulted in two attempts before they could start an IV. Thanks to Isabel for driving and accompanying me, and helping me calm down so my veins wouldn't make it so difficult on the nurses. I've got my "take Ativan" scheduled with full alarms and whistles for my next treatment!

I get two days reprieve before my next poke for a blood test - yay :)

Round 2, Day 6-7

Day 6 was rough. Poor sleep the evening of Day 5 with menopausal symptoms due to chemo didn't help matters. Let's just leave it at that... :)

Thankful that "Uncle" Nate treated Noley to a mid day screening of "Free Birds" yesterday as that allowed all of us to rest.  God bless you Nate - there's not too many guys who would willingly sit through a kids movie (with a grand total of 5 families in the theatre) like that on their weekend.

However, the difference a good night's sleep makes! Today, I woke up with enough energy and appetite to putter around the kitchen and whip up a batch of French toast for everyone. Which exhausted my burst of energy :) But it was so nice to be up and able to enjoy the unusual but welcome sunshine around here before going back to nap.

Update - 9 pm

A few more things to be thankful for:

- Our stroller had been stolen the day we came back from San Diego. While Nolan doesn't need a stroller anymore, it was very sentimental to us and a very good quality piece that we could share with others. Today on a walk, we found it outside a neighbour's home daycare - one of their families had found it in the alleyway, after it had been stolen to cart who-knows-what. Sounds silly, but finding that stroller made me so happy!

- Our sweet friends Dar & Jeannie won an exclusive catering event with Vij's Railway Express. While my immune system, appetite and energy levels were not quite up for the event, they made sure we could be part of it by saving a bit of each course and getting a signed tee. How in the world are we so blessed by such amazing family and friends??

Round 2, Day 5

Exhausted. New IV line from yesterday bruised as blood did not clot too well when it was being removed. Very lively bunch in the chemo room today. Made for good conversation when I could keep my eyes open.

Sweet blessing from the Tams - a custom made mug with Psalm 23:5 printed on. Thank you for the encouragement after a draining day :)

Thanks to the whole slew of people who helped make it possible of me to get my treatment and rest a bit more today - my mom for entertaining Mr. N in the morning, Katherine for hosting him for lunch and playdate, and Jer's mom for carting the little mister around and playing endless Transformers all afternoon.

Round 2, Day 4

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalms 23:1-6 NLT)

It's not yet 7 pm and I am beat.

Beautiful view from the room today

My IV line was so close... But in the last 40 minute post-hydration portion, the vein started leaking and my skin started getting puffy and sore. Unfortunately, that meant that they had to remove the original IV line and insert another one. Thankfully the leak was just saline and not one of the chemo drugs which could cause more damage or irritation.

I was obviously very disappointed - for such a needle phobe, I couldn't quite stop the flow of tears - but in the end God did grant me some rest and all that i needed for today even if it wasn't quite what I was hoping. Nurse Ruffina was quite skilled and efficient at getting that second IV in so I am thankful.

Round 2, Day 3

Another sunny and beautiful day. The IV line held steady today as well - no annoying beeps about "distal occlusions" or "air bubbles" in the line. 3 days down, 2 more to go for this week.

Fatigue hit me like a truckload of bricks in the 3rd hour of the treatment, but after an hour nap at home and some more home cooked goodness from my mom, I now have enough energy to wrap up a few birthday presents while the little guy's at AWANA before he tries to test out his "spy skills" and sneaks into my stash.

Will need to have another early night...

Round 2, Day 2

Today was the longest treatment - 4.5 hours. The chemo room I was in was also the busiest I had seen it - all 4 chairs were filled most of the time. Thankfully IV line held for today. Praying it holds for all 5 days again.

Two of the patients I met had a type of lymphoma that is never cured but just held at bay - one guy has 2.5 years in his treatment plan, and this is his second go at treatment already. Yikes. Nothing to complain about with just 3 months on my plan.

Feeling the fatigue setting in. Winding down for bed at 7:30 pm.

Good night! Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Round 2, Day 1

My mom is cute - she bought her own masks before coming to Vancouver just in case. When we arrived at BCCA, she suddenly started sneezing - we think due to allergies or her own nervousness about what I would have to go through as her sneezing stopped after I got my IV inserted successfully. We found out she had actually bought dusk masks which while heavy duty looking don't do much for microscopic germs, so we asked for some from BCCA so the other patients wouldn't get worried by her sneezing.

Meet my mom :)

I brought "Heaven is for Real", courtesy of Sherry, to read aloud while trying to distract me from the IV poke. Each time, I'm less panicked and it is getting slightly better. I think the IV poke was as hard on my mom seeing her daughter go through it as it was on me. The IV is in an awkward place in my right hand so the movement is more restricted. Here's hoping this IV line does as well as last time :) The Ativan worked so well that I had a little nap after they inserted the IV. Super fatigue hasn't started yet, but I sure am "flushing" those drugs out.

We are family

Varying degrees of baldness - Nolan really needed a haircut and was finally ok with joining the baldie club :)

Some sweet and "sunny" cupcake treats.  Thanks Sunny!!!

Getting ready for Round 2

It's been nice to have a longer rest before Round 2 starts. Instead of 5 days rest, I get 9 days.  This has worked out perfectly as I've caught a cold in the last week and it's robbed me of some of my energy. Hoping I recover completely by tomorrow so I won't be going in already tired for Monday's chemo treatment.

My mom arrived today and we'll be grocery shopping tomorrow as she's already been planning all the food she'll be making for us. So nice to have her here!

Every year, this just makes me so happy...

Basking in the warmth of our home adorned with Christmas cheer, listening to Emilie Claire-Barlowe's Christmas album and enjoying a cup of tea while  knitting. Bliss!

Boundary times and reflections

I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever. (Psalms 121:1-8 NLT)

Today two of the "kids" Jer and I had the privilege of working with years ago in our old church's teen group came by. They visited for a bit and, representing a whole group of them, dropped off a beautiful, thoughtful and generous care package they had put together. It's crazy to think that these "kids" are now older than we were when we first started helping out with the teen group.

When I first started working with the teen group, I was going through a really painful time emotionally. A broken engagement and some broken friendships had me licking my wounds, feeling broken myself and very vulnerable. Working with this really special group of "kids" gave me a purpose to focus on outside of feeling sorry for myself. And the blessing of seeing them grow, mature and become the beautiful, confident and amazing people they are today is thrilling.

Before my health issues forced me to step back from a lot of my activities and responsibilities, I was taking a leadership course at our church. While my involvement was short and limited, it was so beneficial in getting me in the right mindset for this fight against cancer. We were in the middle of examining our lives and unpacking the significance of important events, people and experiences in our past through the lens of leadership convergence theory. And the thing that really struck me was that in between each major stage of development was a "boundary time" - a supremely painful, unsettling, difficult time of questioning, struggling that could last anywhere from a month to several years. It's usually an awful time that one wouldn't voluntarily choose to go through, but also one of great growth, blessing and learning. One has to struggle through the boundary time before the next stage of development is ushered in. Pastor Sam, our instructor, mentioned that a lot of these boundary times and developmental stages were influenced by age - roughly a decade give or take between each boundary time.

Looking back on my life so far, this decade or so estimate has held true. I had my first boundary time at 15 when my father passed away from cancer after a 6 month struggle. That propelled me into a time of concentrated individual spiritual growth where the faith I grew up in became my own faith, not just one my parents ascribed to.  My second boundary time was at 24 with the broken relationships. It led me to working with the teen group, growing in leadership opportunities, discovering gifts and meeting my husband. And now, it seems pretty evident that this infertility, cancer and family deaths gong show is my third boundary time. In light of this theory, I was about due for a time of struggle anyway :)

Usually when one goes through a difficult time, you can respond either with "there is no God, or if there is, he/she's asleep at the wheel" OR "God is here in the midst of my suffering". I have been so comforted by the passage at the beginning of this post - the fact that God does not slumber - He is watching over us and protecting us. And based on the blessing that came out of the last boundary time, as today's care package reminded me, I can look forward to another great time of learning, growth and blessing to result from this current one.

As a friend recently wrote: "...this is a vulnerable time, and MANY beautiful things are birthed out of vulnerability."

The latest juice mix

Pomegranate Beet Carrot Apple Ginger

I would never buy this sort of combination at Jugo Juice yet somehow having a juicer at one's fingertips makes one feel adventurous :) Thanks again Mom! And Auntie Connie for recommending this juicer to my mom.

It lasted a week and 4 days

... My funky haircut that is.

I've been shedding more than normal the last few days. Today in the shower, I was shedding worse than Maggie when we give her a bath - and she sheds a LOT as baths stress her out.

So my loving hubby shaved off whatever was left, and re-shaved his own head in solidarity. Noley decided to sit this one out.

My scalp hasn't seen the light of day since I was a baby. It's interesting to discover the moles, freckles and birthmarks I never knew I had up there. Thankfully my head is not as misshapen and lumpy as I thought it would be. I feel like Sinead O'Connor :)

Round 1, Day 16

I had the last chemo treatment for round 1 today. It went more smoothly than last week - while the Ativan didn't make me sleepy, it seemed to help the veins be nice and juicy and easy to poke. My neighbour and good friend Vicky was on hand to help me read aloud to take my mind off things and to help me calm down. Just mild panic as opposed to full-blown, eyes closed, mute and frozen panic. Thank you Vicky!

I feel blessed to have more energy at this point than I thought I would. And with a few extra days of rest, my body should hopefully withstand Round 2 with more reserve than usual when it starts November 18. I'm taking this time to do things I may not have the energy to do later - some Christmas shopping, ordering Christmas photo cards for the first time, setting up the Christmas tree this weekend, and planning Nolan's birthday celebration with some lovely ladies.

Thank you again for your prayers. Talking to nurse Colette today, I am convinced that it is those prayers that have made this round so relatively smooth and with so little side effects. She says this regimen is a very tough one and the drugs are incredibly strong, so it was great news that I haven't had to struggle with nausea much. Praise God!

Round 1, Day 14 - it has started

The hair has started falling out. Not terribly noticeable yet, but my palms don't normally look so hairy when I run them through my hair.

In happier news, I may be the only person in the history of chemo patients to likely gain weight due to the amazing food people have been bringing by. Thank you everyone for feeding my family so well.

And thanks to the fancy juicer my mom sent over, we've been creating some very interesting blends. As one who does not really like ginger (unless it's in the form of gingerbread), I surprised myself in today's juice blend:

Kale apple pomegranate ginger juice.

Just the tiniest bit of ginger but it did add a refreshing taste without being too zingy (is that a word?). Thank you Karen for helping me broaden my horizons by sending over some of your signature juice.

One of our favourite songs lately has also been a healing balm for a lot of the crazy this past little while. When my aunt passed away a day after we found out we had miscarried (the drama of that week will stay with me for awhile), my cousin also ended up using this song in one of her amazing tribute photo montage / videos for her mom. And there have been times driving in the car, I'm all-out bawling and singing and driving - cathartic, maybe a bit dangerous (I promise, I could still see through the tears), and garnering many bewildered looks from my fellow drivers.

Blessings

by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Round 1, Day 9-11

When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy...The Lord has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge. (Psalm 94:18, 19, 22 NIV)

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes.

Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name"

~10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord), by Matt Redman

While I've consciously tried to keep our spirits up and focus on the proverbial silver lining, there are certainly moments where the tears flow and I state the blindingly obvious - "I wish I didn't have cancer. I wish I didn't have to do chemo at all. I wish I could pinch myself and the last 2 weeks, scratch that, last 3 months would turn out to be just a bad dream." My courage fails me and the path forward seems daunting. It's hard to believe that it was just over 2 weeks ago when our dreams of "just a close brush with cancer but no lingering effects" were dashed. It seems like another lifetime.

Life can suck. But there is great comfort that regardless of what happens - "whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me" - the unfailing love of the the Lord sustains me. I know whose Hands hold me.

---

I'm starting to come out of the fog of fatigue and discomfort from what I hope is the toughest part of round 1. Energy levels are thankfully starting to rebound a bit.  Heartburn, tender gums (I feel like my teeth may fall out!) and the occasional tingly fingers are the main side effects lately.

Day 9 treatment on Friday went OK. Being the needle phobe I am, my efforts to breathe to calm myself when they were starting the IV line sounded like I was hyperventilating - thankfully there was just one poke by my skilled nurse Christina. A friendly retired nurse instructor on her third round of chemo (of 8! Ok, I need to stop being such a wimp about 4) gave some helpful breathing advice to get through the most stressful part of it. Thanks to Vicky, I was gifted with a bit of rest at home between the lab work and actual chemo treatment. 

I have been so encouraged, touched and amused by stories about the kids of our friends. Like Rhys, whose father Gil beat cancer a couple of years ago, praying on her hands and knees for me. Or Ollie who used his wishbone from a meal to wish Auntie Mel better. Or Aidan who read up on cancer and encouraged his mom to shave her head with me (donating with me was more than enough, Iz). Or my own son who thought he would have his birthday party in the hospital with me.

We've been blessed with an abundance of delicious meals from our meal volunteers - daily dinners, special gourmet brunch, meal delivery service from friends from afar - my family eats better than when I cook for them! Thank you for the love.