Be strong and courageous...

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NIV)

Nolan's been memorizing the verse above for AWANA (essentially a bible-based children's club somewhat similar to Boy Scouts / Girl  Guides) and it's one of my favourites.

Nolan's school is encouraging a Family literacy week with no screen time. Funny how eager N is to listen to the teacher - if we were to enforce this on our own he would listen but would be pretty miffed whereas the teacher has somehow made this exciting and a great challenge he's embraced joyfully. I am enjoying all the reading and board games we've been doing to replace the usual screen time :)

Yesterday, I got to meet with this beautiful lady ...

Sarah, from my Regent days. While it's been several years since we last saw each other, it's one of those lovely friendships that are low maintenance; we may not be in touch regularly but can pick up from where we left off when we do see each other. It was a nice time of low key hanging out, catching up and praying together. She and her family have been quite the adventurers, having served in different countries over the last decade. Strong and courageous indeed!

In health-related updates:

Discomfort in my fingers is lasting longer than in previous cycles which makes me very inefficient. I feel like a 2-3 year old - Nolan has to help ME with my zippers, opening and closing containers, and anything that requires strength and fine motor coordination in my hands. Very thankful for my little helper! I am also dealing with the effects of "deconditioning" (as the doctor calls it) - most notably when I walk up the stairs quickly - muscle-wise I can do it, but my chest feels like it will burst and it takes a couple of minutes for me to catch my breath. It is a little frustrating. However things are slowly improving.

I still need to nap a bit each day which reminds me that I am still a ways from fully recovering, but that is to be expected. The nurses were reminding me not to get super frustrated at how slow my body may be to recover.

It's amusing to see what hairs have stubbornly cling to my head. The right side of my head seems to have lost more hair than the left. Hence my eyebrows and eyelashes on the right are sparser. I literally have 10 eyelashes on the right eye. :)

A very good birthday

My sweet little man started off this very spoiled girl's birthday with a scavenger hunt, with a little help from Daddy. At the end of the hunt was my hand-drawn birthday card. The best gift, hands down.

He asked if he could stay home from school since it was my birthday. Unfortunately for him, my birthday is not a national holiday ;)

My lovely friend Grace treated me to a two-part brunch - breakfast at Jethro's and goodies at Butter, complete with a fun detour into home hardware ;). Unfortunately I didn't think to take a picture with her, but she snapped this one of me chowing down.

And, this crazy spoiled girl was treated to not one, but TWO super delicious birthday cakes today - green tea passionfruit mousse chocolate cake from Jonathan and Shereen, and a mango passionfruit mousse cake from Mom & Dad.

I got to choose today's dinner and decided to go for a low-key pizza and movie night, breaking open our newly purchased Despicable Me 2 :)

In between everything, I was blessed with  birthdays messages far and near. Thank you everyone! We also got a glimpse of N learning hip hop dancing with the rest of his class :)

To end an already perfect day off even more perfectly, I got to hang out with my cousin Driz, just chatting about everything under the sun.

I am so spoiled!

So happy

... And relieved that from now on my body is allowed to just heal from all the crazy drugs pumped into me instead of having to start another round tomorrow. SO happy.

Fun photo from this weekend - my little Sith lord watching a show on netflix :)

My boys...

Some photos of my beloved boys...

The two hams.

Nolan pretending to be a ninja

Ninja part 2

Jer is wearing the sweater that took over half a year to finish. The long hours of chemo were the perfect time to finally get it done!

Energy is getting a bit better. Pain in fingers is making zippers and prying open containers a bit difficult but hopefully will wear off in a week or two.

Last treatment!

Whom Shall I Fear

By Chris Tomlin

You hear me when I call

You are my morning song

Though darkness fills the night

It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear?

You crush the enemy

Underneath my feet

You are my Sword and Shield

Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear?

I know Who goes before me

I know Who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The One who reigns forever

He is a Friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name

For You alone can save

You will deliver me

Yours is the victory

Whom shall I fear?

Whom shall I fear?

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in your hands

I'm holding onto Your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

---

Today marked the last scheduled treatment of my 4 cycle protocol. Woo hoo!!!!!

I get to have almost a month off before my next IV for the CT scan. My mother-in-law kindly sat with me and accompanied me for the last treatment. Today's IV was interesting - the nurse got the line in and I felt a warm spurt of blood all over my fist. Thankfully I wasn't looking otherwise I might have passed out... 

Some goodies to share during my last treatment

Now comes the waiting ... Waiting for my body to slowly rebound and get back to normal levels of energy. Waiting for the side effects to slowly wear off and hopefully return to normal. Waiting til the mid February CT scan and blood test to see if they got rid of everything.

During cycle 1

Now … Don't realize how much of my eyebrows and eyelashes I've lost
til I compare them side by side

---

Another great song my friend Kat introduced to me (thanks Kat - so comforting):

Sovereign

by Chris Tomlin

Sovereign in the mountain air

Sovereign on the ocean floor

With me in the calm

With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy

Sovereign in my deepest cry

With me in the dark

With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms

All the pieces of my life

From beginning to the end

I can trust you

In your never failing love

You work everything for good

God whatever comes my way

I will trust you

Round 4, Day 8-11

Day 8 blood test and Day 9 treatment went pretty well. Got one of my favourite nurses, Christina, starting the IV line - she gets it in quick without prolonging the pain / discomfort. Two more blood tests tomorrow and Monday, then my last treatment, God-willing, on Tuesday!

My energy is taking a lot longer to come back this time. Sleep hasn't been great and fingers are feeling like clumsy numb and painful sausages. Usually by Day 10 I'm feeling pretty good and close to normal. While yesterday was a bit of a turning point, I'm still feeling quite tired. They say it'll take anywhere from 3-12 months before I feel completely back to my old self.

I think I'll have to call it a night!

Round 4, Day 6-7

Very low energy. I was probably NOT sleeping / resting for about 4-5 hours yesterday.

Had very vivid, weird and sometimes disturbing dreams last night that left my heart pounding and my arms and feet flailing. Chasing after a friend's dog, strange schools, losing toes. Thankfully just dreams.

Am still on a potato / carb kick. Sometimes cancer cravings / symptoms feel like pregnancy.

I've realized that as the end of this treatment is coming, the main fear that comes up is that I'll have to go through this again or that those I love will have to do this. One of the chemo drugs increases my risk of secondary leukemia, in which the cure rate is poor. If there is recurrence during the first two years, the cure rate is not as favorable. The thought of cancer coming up in the future keeps my exhausted brain running at night. I've generally been the optimistic type, not one to worry about much... but this has tested my faith and made me really have to cling to the goodness of God even when I'm scared and worried. I am thankful that God is bigger than all of this. I wish there was a magic spell to protect everyone from this.

Need to rest again - almost passed out trying to rearrange photos on our fridge. Why did I feel the sudden need to rearrange? I have no idea. My poor husband who has to deal with my strange compulsions.

Round 4, last day 5!

I've had a real craving for poutine last night and today. We went fast food poutine via Wendy's but it hit the spot. Jer said he felt a bit sheepish, thinking people may have been judging him for bringing his cancer patient wife to fast food, but let it be known I couldn't stop thinking or talking about it last night :)

God-willing, last time I'll have a saline-locked IV line protected by miles of gauze :)

Thank you for your prayers - my WBC counts went up and treatment went ahead as usual without need for extra injections. The blood test today was quite painful as my vein was rolling and not cooperating - the nurse had to "manoever" the needle around in my arm to get the needle in the right place. Thankfully I had my captain No-no right beside me to give me moral support.

And my IV line held out for all 5 days again! Woo hoo! The nurses always seem a bit surprised that it holds so I'm so super thankful that it held for me 3 out of 4 rounds!

Energy is very low and I think the IV site will result in a bit of a bruise, but I'm excited that I just have two more chemo treatments after today. Then it's the waiting game as we wait to see what February's CT scan shows.

We've tentatively booked flights to Honolulu for March. Here's hoping we get to go!

Round 4, Day 3-4

The good news - Friday's AFP (cancer marker) levels were down to 13. Getting very close to normal levels!

The bad news - definitely feeling a lot more run down earlier in the cycle. Last night I slept for about 15 hours on and off due to the fatigue (and disruptive hot flashes) that come from low energy reserve and 4 cycles of aggressive chemo. Friday's blood levels also showed my white blood cell (WBC) counts are down, meaning they need to do an extra blood test tomorrow. If they are still depressed, I may need to either receive injections to boost them up (you all probably know how much this needle phobe doesn't want this option) or skip one of the chemo drugs if I'm at high risk of infection. The most ideal option is for WBC counts to have rebounded a bit by tomorrow, so if you're praying folk, please do keep this in prayer.

Each day though, I say to Jer - this is hopefully the last "day x" I have to go through!

As my friend Iz reminded me:

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13 NLT)