T-minus 1 day

Jer & Nolan at the Water Lily Pond in Balboa Park

It's been almost a decade since I last blogged. As I've been processing through the unreal past two months, it makes sense to start a temporary blog to keep all family and friends interested up to date. Especially with my limited energy recently, it's been a struggle to keep in touch with everyone important to us to the level we would like.

A "brief" recap of the past 2 months*:

• August 19 - An ultrasound confirms that we miscarried twins - our 2nd miscarriage this year. We are heart-broken.
• The ultrasound also confirms there is a large benign dermoid cyst in my left ovary, 5 cm in diametre. Dr. Roberts wants to remove it before it causes complications. Thankfully a surgery slot opens up on September 11.
• I start feeling a lot of pressure in my abdomenal area. About 1-2 weeks before the surgery, I can actually feel a lump in my left side while lying down.
• September 11 - What is supposed to be a brief 45-60 minute minor bilateral ovarian laparoscopy (small incisions for a scope to go in, locate and remove the dermoid cysts) ends up turning into a 3.5 hour major laparotomy (a large c-section-like incision). Dr. Roberts discovers the 5 cm cyst has doubled in size to become a 10 cm cyst - about the size of a pomelo. He removes the cyst, along with my left ovary and fallopian tube, which is pretty much engulfed in the cyst. They send the mass off to Pathology but their first impression is that, while abnormal, it isn't cancerous since the surrounding area looks normal.
• September 18 - Pathology results show 40% of the mass is malignant - a yolk sac (aka endodermal sinus) tumour, encased by a benign teratoma, classified under the germ cell tumour group of cancers. The good news is that this type of cancer is very responsive to chemotherapy and has a very high cure rate. Apparently only 5% of ovarian cancers are of the germ cell tumor type. Without sign of spread, it appears we have caught it early and have removed all of the malignant parts. We are referred to BC Cancer Agency (BCCA) for further monitoring and treatment. Dr. Roberts' guess is that BCCA will suggest a "monitor closely and see" approach and skip out on chemotherapy. However, nothing is confirmed and we wait for the follow up appointment to find out more details.
• October 4 - Our first follow up appointment at BCCA with Dr. Tinker and Dr. Jutzi. They spend a lot of time talking about the three drugs in the chemotherapy regimen and their associated risks. I.e. One increases your risk of inflammation in the lung, which can turn into fibroids, which are fatal. Another increases your risk of leukemia later. The third makes you really nauseated and sick. And of course the hair loss. 1st blood test taken to measure alphafetoprotein (AFP), the main cancer marker.
• October 8 - My first CT scan - I am terrified, praying and reciting Psalm 23 with my eyes squeezed tightly the whole time.
• October 10 - My second follow up at BCCA and another AFP blood test. The CT scan was clear but 1st blood test was not - it showed an AFP level of 300. We find out the usual and recommended protocol, regardless of whether scans and tests are clear, is to receive 2 rounds of chemo just in case since the abdominal cavity is large and cancerous cells could travel around without immediate notice. They want to start right away. Meaning we would have to cancel our long-planned San Diego trip from October 18-26.  Seeing how uncomfortable we are with receiving chemotherapy unnecessarily, Dr. Tinker says if the 2nd blood test shows the levels are going down and we don't plan on trying for children in the next 2 years and we are aware of the risks, she is ok with a "wait and see" approach instead of pre-emptively giving chemo. It all depends on the results of the 2nd blood test.
• The thought of cancelling our trip to Legoland is really upsetting for me; I try to convince Jer to take Nolan on his own if I have to stay behind for chemo. I don't want Nolan to have to trade Legoland for mama on chemo. Jer obviously isn't thrilled with my idea.
• October 11 - After an anxious day-long wait for the results, they come through in the 11th hour, right before the long weekend and show the AFP levels have decreased to 210. We are overjoyed that we can go on our trip after all. 
• October 17 - 3rd blood test and 3rd follow up to check out some pain in my lower right abdomen. Dr. Tinker figures it is leftover pain from the surgery.
• October 18 - 3rd blood test results shows that the levels have spiked up to 403. Dr. Tinker strongly encourages us to cut our trip short so I can start chemotherapy. Due to the AFP spike, we were now bumped up to three 21-day cycles of chemo.
• We are devastated as chemotherapy effectively kills all chances of us giving birth to another child.
• October 19 - Our first round of chemo is scheduled to take place Thursday, October 24. Due to the delayed start in the middle of the week, I will have to be admitted into BCCA and stay in the hospital for the first 5 days.

So, all this brings us to one day before the start of my first chemotherapy cycle. I think back to seeing my dad go through this 20+ years ago and it makes me really miss him. And it reminds me of what an indelible mark it made on my mom, my brother and myself. I distinctly remember life before and life after we found out my dad had cancer. I remember having to grow up very fast.

Jer and I just sat Nolan down right now to prepare him for the next couple of months as we wait for our flight back to Seattle. Thankfully it doesn't seem to fully register or bother him yet. I pray that Nolan won't have nightmares about this or be scarred. I pray that when he looks back on this (if he remembers anything at all), he'll clearly see God's continued goodness to us even when things are a bit dark and scary.

I am deathly afraid of needles. The past two years have been quite brutal on the needle front. We are anxious. We are sad about not being able to have more children. Yet we also know that our Father who loves us so much more than humanly imaginable holds us in His hands and will carry us through this challenging time.

What do we do on beautiful Coronado Beach? Battle with our new foam Lego swords and shields of course!

Legoland Pumpkin

Nolan getting a little taste of driving at age 5

*Though other significant events happened within a week's span of our miscarriage, such as other family deaths and stresses, I won't be delving into them here as there just isn't enough mental space to juggle all the drama...